If you’ve ever had a close friend confide in you about their struggles with infertility, you know how heart-wrenching and helpless it can feel. Maybe you desperately want to say the right thing, but every time you open your mouth, you worry about making it worse. Infertility Awareness Week is an important time to shine a light not just on the medical realities of infertility—but on how we, as friends and loved ones, can show up in ways that truly help, not harm. I want to talk honestly with you about what you can say (and what you shouldn’t) when someone you care about lets you into this deeply personal struggle.

These conversations matter more than most people realize. At least 1 in 8 couples in the United States struggles with infertility, according to the CDC. Despite these numbers, our culture doesn’t always know how to talk about it. Too often, friends and family fall back on clichés that, while well-intentioned, can leave those suffering from infertility feeling dismissed, isolated, or even blamed. My goal here is simple: to share how you can be a true source of comfort and support, without feeling like you have to find the “perfect words.”

Why Infertility Hurts on More Than One Level

Let’s start with why infertility can be such a heavy burden. For many, trying to conceive becomes all-consuming. There’s the physical side—appointments, tests, medications, sometimes painful procedures. But the emotional toll is often just as profound. People can feel like their body is betraying them or that they’re failing at something deeply tied to identity and life goals. The National Infertility Association points out that depression and anxiety rates in those navigating infertility are similar to people living with cancer or heart disease. That’s how intense this process can be.

It’s also a uniquely isolating experience. Because infertility is so personal and private, conversations about it are often limited to only the closest friends. Even then, opening up takes courage. When someone does let you in, it isn’t because they expect you to have answers. Usually, they’re hoping for understanding and maybe just a place where it’s safe to say “I’m struggling.” Your words—and sometimes, your silence—can be healing or hurtful, depending on how you respond.

What Actually Helps: Saying the Right Things

Let me be clear: there is no magic sentence that will take away someone’s pain when it comes to infertility. But you can offer comfort and validation. Here’s what I’ve seen be most helpful—both in my own clinic and from listening to patients and friends over the years.

First, lead with listening. Sometimes, the best thing to say is as simple as, “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m here to listen.” That alone can ease the feeling of being alone. Don’t feel pressure to “fix” the problem or provide solutions. Most of the time, your friend knows there isn’t an easy fix—you can’t “make” them pregnant by saying something clever. When in doubt, be curious rather than commanding. Try, “How are you feeling today about everything?” or “Is there anything you want to share, or would you prefer to talk about something else for now?”

Affirming their experience is also powerful. Simple phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “I can’t imagine how tough this is, but I’m here with you” go a long way. If your friend brings up specific frustrations with the process, you can validate those too: “It makes sense you would feel frustrated—this process seems so overwhelming.”

Here’s something I often remind people: You don’t have to perfectly understand what someone’s going through to be a safe place for them. Willingness to listen and care carries more weight than the “right” words ever could.

Infertility Language: What Not to Say and Why

This is where it gets tricky. A lot of common responses are meant to be uplifting but end up doing the opposite. In my experience, here are some phrases that can unintentionally hurt:

• “Just relax and it’ll happen.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “You can always adopt.”
• “At least you have your health.”
• “My cousin tried for six years, then poof, she got pregnant!”

Why are these unhelpful? First, they may minimize or dismiss your friend’s pain. Telling someone “just relax” not only ignores the real medical reasons for infertility, but worse, it can make them feel responsible for a process that is largely out of their control. Likewise, telling stories about other people’s fertility journeys—even happy endings—can sound like you expect the same for them, or that their difficult feelings are somehow premature or unjustified.

When you suggest alternate paths like adoption or surrogacy, it can feel as if you’re rushing them to “get over it” and move on. These are options some people choose and embrace, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve time to grieve or process the path they’re on right now. The best thing you can do is sit with them in this moment, rather than leaping ahead to solutions.

What Else Can I Do Besides Talking?

Words matter, but actions do too. Supporting a friend through infertility often means being present in practical, low-key ways. Maybe that’s checking in with a quick text on a tough day (“Thinking of you—no pressure to reply”), remembering important dates like appointment days with a note or call, or even just sharing time together in a way that gives them a break from “baby talk.”

If your friend is comfortable, you might offer to accompany them to a particularly stressful appointment or simply make yourself available to listen afterward. Some people appreciate a little distraction, like a movie night or a walk, especially when their world feels reduced to test results and waiting games. These gestures say: “I care about you as a whole person, no matter what.” Being reliable and steady—without pushing for emotional confessions they may not be ready for—is often the most meaningful support you can offer.

FAQs: Friends Often Ask About Supporting Loved Ones with Infertility

How do I know if my friend wants to talk about infertility, or if they’d rather avoid it?

You don’t have to guess. It’s respectful to ask gently: “Would you like to talk about things, or would you rather chat about something else today?” Let them set the pace. Some days, they may want to vent. Other days, they may want a complete break from the topic. Respecting their choice shows trust and understanding.

Should I invite them to baby showers or share my own pregnancy news?

This one requires sensitivity. Some people want to be kept in the loop and will appreciate honest communication. Others may need to step back from certain events while dealing with their emotions. If you’re pregnant yourself, consider giving them the news privately before a public announcement. A simple, loving message such as “I wanted to let you know before I told others, and I understand if you need some space” gives them time to process without the pressure of reacting publicly.

Is it okay to ask questions about their treatments or fertility journey?

Tread carefully here. Some people are open books; others want to protect their privacy. It’s okay to say, “If you ever want to talk about how treatments are going, I’m here to listen—but there’s no pressure to share anything you’re not comfortable with.” That lets them know the door is open on their own terms.

A Real World Example From the Clinic

Let me share a scenario I see often. A patient—let’s call her “Jasmine”—comes in overwhelmed by the cycle of hope and disappointment infertility brings. She confides, “I wish my best friend knew how to help. She keeps telling me about people who got pregnant after years of trying. It feels like she isn’t hearing me, even though I know she cares.” Through our conversation, Jasmine recognizes that what she wants is not advice, but someone willing to simply be present with her pain, without attempting to reframe it or gloss over it. Small phrases like, “That sounds exhausting. I’m just so sorry you’re going through this,” are what make her feel understood. Over time, her friend learns to listen more, share less advice, and their friendship grows stronger, even in the midst of hardship.

Addressing Common Myths and Misconceptions About Infertility

It’s easy to unintentionally spread misinformation. One of the most common myths is that infertility is mostly a “women’s issue.” In reality, the CDC estimates that male factors contribute to about a third of infertility cases, and in about 20% of cases, it’s a combination of both partners or unexplained. Stress does not “cause” infertility in and of itself, though the process of seeking fertility care can certainly be stressful. And while lifestyle factors like extreme weight or smoking may have some impact, many couples affected by infertility are perfectly healthy in every other sense. Remember, fertility struggles are medical conditions—not a reflection of someone’s choices or character.

Key Takeaways: Supporting a Friend During Infertility

More than anything, your friend needs to know they are not alone. You can’t fix infertility, but you can strengthen hope just by being a steady, caring, and empathetic presence. Listen more than you speak, and don’t force hopeful stories or solutions. A simple, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” is more comforting than you think. Small checks-ins, remembering tough dates, and offering distractions or help can show them they’re loved for who they are—not just what’s happening, or not happening, in their fertility journey.

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Infertility is a journey that’s different for everyone, but compassion, patience, and genuine friendship can help lighten the load. Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling, it’s always okay to reach out for professional support. As always, talk with your own healthcare provider for guidance that’s personal to your situation. If you want to stay informed and empowered on topics like these, subscribe to our newsletter below for more evidence-based tips and real talk about health that matters for you and your community.